at a loss

i find myself strangely at a loss without a linkshell to lead. my focus in game has been other people's goals for so long that i really don't remember what its like to play for myself.

i always took great pride in the fact that i ran a clean linkshell. SeeD was the great utopian effort that got a boat load of people stuff for 3 years. it was ultimately marred by my inability to stop the shell from being taken advantage of by those who didn't understand that a linkshell is a commitment and not just a place to stop in when you needed something. that was always the problem in SeeD. it just didn't matter until the drops and missions became endgame level.

so i ended SeeD and started up RRB as a professional endgame shell. and it was indeed a group of highly skilled, committed individuals that could accomplish anything. it probably still could accomplish anything had i not choosen to end it. RRB had three main problems. i was not as hard on players as i should have been; i will always feel i failed to an extent because i allowed some members to play to a lower standard than i find acceptable and it was a drain on the stronger players. but the biggest problems were about me. i was losing my desire to lead a shell at the same time i started to lose my interest in the game.

so i ended RRB because i was done being a leader and couldn't fix the things that needed to be fixed. that was a little less than 2 weeks ago.

now i just don't know what i want to do. my playtime is significantly reduced due to commuting. the time i do have to play, i generally have stuff to do. and when i have some free time, i am sorta limited by my desire to do stuff with friends. and let's face it, my wanting to do stuff with others is kinda a double edged sword. sure, i get to enjoy the game with friends but i never spend anytime developing my character. my character always becomes like a second to what everyone else wants to do. and it really shows. i have one job leveled to 75. and post linkshell leading, that seems like a pretty crappy accomplishment.

yes, i know my RDM is awesome but it better be since its the only job i play.

so now i am kinda at a loss at what to do to basically feel like i am good enough to play with the people i play the game with. i'm lacking in level 75 jobs, so should i level WHM to 75? probably the most needed job on our server right now but the only time people notice a WHM is when they need one. after that, as long as they heal occasionally, who cares? and i can't help but be bored with WHM. i never underestimate the power of a great WHM but i am a great healer already. WHM just will make me more efficient but i'll have to depend on someone else to refresh me. i might just be better off staying RDM. lol that sounds horrible but i am pretty jaded about WHM. they don't make or break parties if you are a good RDM.

but if i stay RDM, i am pretty much done on gear outside of salvage. my enfeebling gear is more than adequate so i've kinda lost interest in the 2 pieces i am missing. ok, i want them so i can take the enfeebling skill 353 screenshot but other than that, who cares? so salvage obtained stuff means i'll wait years before i get gear. so i'll have no real sense of accomplishment from there. so i keep going back to leveling another job.

i have NIN58 but NIN is one of those jobs that requires lots of gear to be played at the level i'd want to play it. so i don't think its really something i want to level.

i enjoy playing DNC but aside from a sub for melee, i don't see the viability of the job. and i don't see why i'd play it over RDM in small groups. (aside from maybe a DNC duo/trio), so what would be the point?

i need to level SCH and SMN as subs for WHM. i keep thinking maybe i'll love one of those but both those jobs are leveled as healers. do i want to take another healer job past 37? i kinda doubt it.

melee jobs don't interest me and i can only level those that use sword or dagger since that's where i am putting all my merits. which leaves BLU, PLD, THF and DNC. i despise BLU because i see it played poorly all the time but at the same time, i know i could play it differently. i adore PLD but its a huge effort to level it and as a mithra, i am at a distinct disadvantage. i admire THF greatly but there is the whole lack of party thing coupled with actually playing with a stellar THF and knowing that i'll never be that good makes it kinda a bleak prospect.

i am in a serious i don't know what to do to make the game more interesting for myself. i suppose i could up my soloing as RDM but i can confidently solo almost anything that isn't an HNM. HNM that i could solo all require going out and getting ToD and then having the time to kill them which i kinda don't.

so i'm just kinda at a loss right now.